Reflections
by Patchcat
Summary: Inuyasha reflects on his past relationship. Sometimes it's worth the pain not to have missed the dance.


**Disclaimer:**I neither own nor make any profit from the use of these characters. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and anyone else she may have legally sold the rights to. Similarly, I do not own the song _The Dance_. It is the intellectual property of Garth Brooks, his songwriters, and Capitol Records Nashville.

A/N: I started this just after seeing the episodes _Onigumo's Heart Still Beats within Naraku_ and _Return to the Place Where We First Met _for about the second or third time. Honestly, I don't think I had seen past _The Unstoppable Demon Within _because that's where Adult Swim happened to stop the series at that point in time, and I wasn't doing more than skimming the manga. As such, this little 'shot won't go past that point and there are no references to any of the current manga developments. I won't say that they don't color this a little, just that they are never mentioned outright.

This little 'fic was dusted off and finished because Forthright challenged her friends to write a song-fic. This is about as close as I could come.

Reflections

_Looking back _

_On the memory of_

_The dance we shared _

'_Neath the stars above_

_For a moment all the world was right_

_How could I have known _

_That you'd ever say goodbye_

The Dance

Another day spent shard hunting, watching the girl that changed my life wallow in sadness, knowing that I caused that pain; another day spent not knowing how to fix all of this mess that is generally referred to as my life.

We've been on the road for a while now, the six of us; and a more unlikely band of traveling companions you will never find. There's Miroku, the lecherous monk who can't keep his hands to himself; and Sango, the demon slayer, who, incidentally, the monk can't keep his hands off of. Sango's companion, the demon cat Kirara, tries to keep him in line, but I think that she doesn't mind that he pays her mistress so much attention. In the end, she just wants to see Sango find some happiness after all the heartache she's been through; and it's obvious to everyone that they love each other.

What? I can't be observant? What kind of leader would I be if I didn't know how my companions interacted with each other? Hell, what kind of friend would I be? I may not always know what this "mood" is that Kagome prattles on about, but I can see that they have feelings for each other. Anyone with half a brain can see that. Miroku may proposition a lot of women but, in the end, it's only Sango he gropes and Sango certainly doesn't get jealous of _me_ looking at another woman.

I know that they don't think I'm real smart. Hell, half the time I think that damn monk is just humoring me; letting me think that I'm making the decisions. That's fine. I don't mind. After all, he has managed to get us shelter or information at times when we've really needed it and the villagers weren't willing to talk to me. That's his contribution to the team; and he's good at it, so I let him do what he's best at.

Then there's Shippo, the little fox brat. I'll never let him know, but I'm kinda fond of the little cretin. He reminds me that there's more to life than shard hunting, and all just by being the kid he is; even if he does drive me to striking him in frustration. Damned kid's sometimes too smart for his own good, but he can hold his own when he needs to. He's a real survivor. Kinda reminds me of me, in a way.

Yeah, they are a strange bunch; but they're the best friends that I've ever had.

Friends -- now there's a word I never thought I'd have in my vocabulary; and it's all thanks to the last member of our wayward band; Kagome, the girl from the future who managed to wake a worthless half demon from an enchanted slumber.

Yech, did that sound as trite as I think it did? Probably, but it's the truth. She did wake me up and I am pretty worthless, but don't tell her I said that. She'd 'sit' me until I broke through to the other side of the planet. Damn prayer beads. I hate them but they have saved us a time or two and she really only uses them when she has to, like when I turned full demon.

Brrr, now there's a thought to make anyone shudder. I think even Sesshomaru was a little freaked out by my transformation. Not that you could tell or anything, the way he keeps everything inside and all, the cold-hearted bastard.

But yet, through it all, Kagome still stands by me. I'll never understand that girl. Oh, I know that all she wants is to see me happy and that she'll do whatever she can to make it happen; but she doesn't understand what she's letting herself in for -- and I don't want to hurt her. It's bad enough that I managed to destroy one girl's life; I don't think I could handle it if I destroyed another one -- especially if that other was Kagome.

I know that I hurt her when Kikyo's around. The others may think that I'm unobservant or cold enough not to notice the way she reacts when I come back, but I do and they don't understand. As far as the monk and slayer are concerned, it's just a matter of making a choice between them. But it's not that easy, and there's a lot more to it than they will ever know. How am I supposed to give up on the only person who ever accepted me for me, the only person who was willing to give me a chance? Especially when it's my fault that she wanders the earth. I can't just turn my back on her.

Yeah, I know that Kagome's done all of that, too. She accepts me completely and she's given me more chances than I can even count, but Kagome's warm and alive and not forced to wander in a damned existence that I caused! It's not like that with Kikyo. At the end of this quest, Kagome can go back to being the carefree girl she was before she ever met me. She won't have to worry about being chased by demons or carry the guilt of knowing that she only lives because she steals the souls of others. She won't have to deal with knowing that she's cursed to an eternity of pain and suffering, driven only by her need for revenge.

I know what you're thinking. Kikyo's dead -- just a pile of old bones and grave soil that an old witch reanimated with a magic spell. Kagome's alive and very much in love with a moron who can't do anything but hurt her because he has commitment issues. Again, what?! You think I don't hear her when she and Sango talk in the springs? And Kagome's little brother is an amazing well of knowledge sometimes, especially when Kagome says something strange and then won't explain it. But I'm getting away from the point.

It tears me apart to see Kikyo like this, especially when I can remember how she once was. I think that's what confused me the most when she was first resurrected. I remembered the woman I once knew; and, somehow, I had a lot of trouble reconciling the two, Kikyo then and Kikyo now. Honestly, that's probably the biggest reason I keep running back to her. I'm trying to find the woman she once was, before she betrayed me, before she died.

Yeah, I know that she's dead; and I know that it isn't entirely my fault. No, that's wrong. It is my fault. It's my fault that I couldn't protect her. It's my fault that I couldn't lower the barriers around my heart and trust her with everything that I am. That's why she died, and that's why I will do everything I possibly can to avenge her death. I owe her at least that much. Never mind that I loved her, she would have been worthy of vengeance whether I did or not just because she was one of the only people I could call friend. I let her down in the worst way. Killing Naraku for what he did to her is the only way I can atone and make peace with the past.

I just wish that Kagome would try to understand that. I think that the monk tries and so does the slayer to some extent, but I know that neither of them approves of my reasons or my indecision; and Shippo's just too young. He hasn't lived enough to know what I'm going through. That's why they give me so much hell whenever I come back from seeing Kikyo.

But Kagome… Kagome wouldn't understand the demons that chase me, no matter how much she says that she wants to. I know that she just wants to know me better, just wants to help; but she can never understand…and I'm not so sure that I ever want her to, either. It would mean that she's completely lost that innocence that makes her so special.

She saw me with Kikyo today. I don't know how much she saw, but I'm pretty sure that she heard me when I told Kikyo that she was mine and I was hers. The look on Kagome's face was enough to make me regret ever saying anything like that to anyone but her -- it was enough to break your heart and it made me feel like the lowest kind of scum.

Damn it! Why can't she fuckin' understand? Why does she have to make everything so damn difficult? There are so many things that I wish I had the guts to tell her -- so many things that I want to say. But I can't. I don't want to hurt her anymore…and my past would definitely hurt her. Letting her love me would hurt her even more.

You have to understand that Kikyo was the first woman since my mother who looked at me with anything other than hatred and contempt. She was the first person I ever met that didn't try to push me away because of what I was. At that time in my life, she was the most important person to me and had found a place in my heart I didn't even know existed.

Oh, sure, she pinned me to a few trees, but she never caught anything but clothe and she never tried to purify me, something that really confused the hell out of me. Gods only know that she had every opportunity to kill me, what with me hanging there helpless and unable to defend myself; but she didn't and that intrigued me like nothing else ever had. I couldn't understand why a human, a priestess at that, would willingly allow a filthy half-breed like me to hang around. She had to know what I was there for, and yet she didn't try to run me off or slay me.

I guess that on some levels I had a real death wish. I mean, here I was, taunting the strongest priestess in all of Edo; the keeper of the Shikon jewel, who had slain countless demons to ensure its safety; the very priestess who kept the jewel pure. I think what kept had me the most curious and kept me coming back was that she let me, and she seemed to genuinely not want to see me dead.

All of that changed, though, the day she asked me how I saw her. As we sat on that hill and she told me that she felt like she was trapped into the role Destiny had chosen for her and all she really wanted was to be normal, I finally stopped and just looked at her -- and saw her for what she was, a lonely woman who was just looking to fit in. I know that was the day that I stopped seeing her as an enemy to be conquered and started to see her as the kindred spirit that she was. After that I watched her; only leaving her side to hunt or on the night of the new moon, and I felt myself more and more drawn to her side.

It never occurred to me to wonder why she always met me outside of the village or made sure that there was no one around if she spoke to me there. It never really bothered me until later, after I met Kagome. I just figured she thought it would look bad -- the priestess speaking to the being she should be purifying as if he were an equal. Hell, I knew as well as she did that the villagers would just as soon attack me if I set foot inside the village. They were far more likely to shoot first and ask the priestess to bless the remains later.

They say that love blinds, and it had definitely blinded me. So much so that I was never very far away, and I found myself defending that village just so I could have more time with her. I loved to just watch her, especially with the children. She always seemed so carefree and well, feminine, when she was with them. I never occurred to me to wonder why she never seemed that way when she was with me. She very rarely ever lost her calm when we were together, and I could probably count on one hand the times I caught her in an unguarded moment.

But she didn't seem to ever notice that I rarely touched her, and most of the time it was she who called me down from whatever tree I happened to be watching from. She seemed perfectly content to just sit in silence with me, never realizing that I didn't have a clue what to say to her. We never really discussed our future, either; at least not until she brought up using the jewel to turn me human.

The first time she mentioned it, I immediately dismissed the idea. I mean, why I would want to give up my strength just to please a weak human woman that I really didn't know all that well was beyond me. I mean hell. The whole reason I had even met her in the first place was because I wanted the jewel to make me stronger. It was ridiculous to think that I would want to give up what little strength I did have.

It was almost a season before she mentioned it again, and by then we had gotten closer. This time, I actually thought about it. I still wasn't sure that I was willing to give it all up, but it took me a long time to dismiss the notion. It would have made her happy, and I was beginning to think that that was no bad thing. She would be rid of the jewel and finally free to pursue a life as a normal woman, but I couldn't shake the thought that I was the one who would become trapped and unhappy.

The last time she asked we were out on the river near the village, fishing in a small boat. I remember that I didn't answer her for the longest time, and she seemed content to just let me sit and think. While I was still thinking, we made it back to the dock, and I was helping her out of the boat when she slipped and fell into my arms. It wasn't until that moment, when I held her close for the first time, that I realized just how much she meant to me; and in that moment, I decided that I could be happy as a human, as long as Kikyo was by my side.

It would be a while before I actually _told_ Kikyo that I was willing to give up my demonic side for her and by then she was treating that bandit. Of course, at the time all I knew was that she went to a cave that smelled of death and burned human and that her brat of a little sister sometimes went in there with her. She didn't tell me about him, and I didn't really care enough to ask. By then my whole world began and ended with Kikyo. I didn't care what she did, so long as she was nearby.

It didn't bother me that she still tried to keep me out of the village and that, even though I knew everything about her and her life before we met, she never once asked about my past. Not that I would have told her if she had asked. Just because I loved her didn't mean that I trusted her enough to share those painful experiences with her. It's not like she could have done anything about them if she had known, so why bother dredging up stuff that was better left buried.

I remember once when we met by chance in the forest. She was on her way back from a nearby village; and I was just wandering, waiting for her. She never let me come with her when she went on her missions of mercy; and I never really pushed the issue. She could take care of herself. She didn't need a worthless half-breed to watch over her. Of course, I did follow a little behind her and made damn sure that I could at least catch her scent. You know, just in case she _did_ need me.

I remember that she had a basket filled with food that the villagers had given her in exchange for her prayers and blessings. We found a clearing close by and had a picnic, just the two of us. I think that we must've sat there for a while before I noticed her rubbing her back against a tree. Imagine my surprise to see the always stoic and serious priestess wriggling in frustration because she couldn't reach the itch in the middle of her back. I guess I must have chuckled at her because the next thing I knew she had thrown an apple core at me and was yelling that it wasn't funny.

She got up in a huff and was walking away when I sprang up and tackled her. I made sure to roll so that I took the brunt of the fall but it still knocked the wind out of her. I remember looking at her with a lopsided grin and asking her, "And just where do you think you're going?" All of a sudden, I felt very playful.

Kikyo wiggled and fought to get up, but I wasn't about to end my fun just yet. I rolled over and pinned her to the ground, running my hands down her side, using just my fingertips so my claws didn't scratch her. Then Kikyo, the ever serious priestess, did the one thing I never expected her to do. She giggled. Who knew that priestesses were ticklish?

"Inuyasha, don't you dare," she said while trying to suppress a grin. There was no way after that that I was letting her get away until I had her at my mercy. So, I did the only thing that was any option as I saw it. I tickled her until she couldn't breathe. And the whole time all I could think was how beautiful she was when she smiled.

The clearing rang for a short while with the sounds of our laughter. We lay there for a bit after I stopped torturing her; Kikyo breathing hard, trying to catch her breath and tears of laughter streaming down her face. I couldn't help myself. At that moment she was the most radiant creature I had ever seen, and I honored that radiance the only way that I knew how. I kissed her.

As much as I enjoyed it, I knew I had done wrong when she stiffened under me and didn't return my kiss. I was up like a shot and crouched there just out of reach, hanging my head like a whipped puppy. Hell, I felt like a whipped dog. What right did I, a life form lower than scum, have to touch perfection like that? She had every right to be angry at me, and I fully expected her to storm out of that clearing and never speak to me again. I wouldn't have blamed her if she had done just that.

I sat there in my misery and waited for her to yell, scream, call me names, _something_. What I got was a gentle hand on my jaw that lifted my head until my gaze met with a pair of gentle doe brown eyes; eyes that held only compassion and understanding…and forgiveness.

"It's all right, Inuyasha," Kikyo told me softly. "It's just not the right time."

I nodded numbly and reached up to gently move her hand away from my face. "I understand. I'm sorry," I whispered.

Then I got up and left the clearing; left her sitting there to take what had happened as she saw fit, and I went to my tree and brooded for the rest of the day and well into the evening. She never sought me out. It wouldn't have been difficult for her to find me. Kikyo was well aware of the old dead tree I used to hang around in when I needed to think, the very same one I'm in now, in fact. Maybe she was respecting my privacy or maybe she just didn't want to talk about it. Whatever the reason, it would be several days before I would see her again; and by then I had decided that I needed to tell her my decision.

You would think that once I had made up my mind to tell her that it would be easy enough to just do it, but it wasn't. This was probably the hardest thing that I had ever had to do, and I wasn't at all sure how to go about it. For one thing, I wasn't sure if she had forgiven me for touching her the other day and for another, I still couldn't shake the feeling that I was making a bad choice. Looking back, I think that's probably why it took me so long to tell her. I was just waiting for her to do what everyone else in my life had done and turn on me.

When I finally saw her again, she seemed happy to see me. In fact, she gave me that gentle smile of hers and asked me to walk with her to the next village. There were some sick kids there that she was treating, and she said that she could use the company on the journey.

We walked in companionable silence, just enjoying being together. This was normal for us. It seemed that we didn't need words to know what the other was thinking. In that light, I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised when she looked over at me and asked what was on my mind.

I didn't answer her for the longest time, just paced along next to her with my hands shoved up in my sleeves. I'll admit it now, although I probably would have gutted anyone who even suggested it then, I was scared. Scared to tell the woman I loved that I was willing to change myself to make her happy. Fear's not something I've ever handled well. I guess that's why instead of answering her, I growled and leapt away from her into the trees.

I heard her sigh wearily and watched her as she continued on her way to the village. I made sure to keep her in sight but I didn't follow her in and I didn't join her again until she was on her way back home. By then I had gathered my courage and was bound and determined to get this taken care of.

I think we were just about to this tree when I finally jumped down and started walking next to her. She must have known I was nearby because she never even flinched when I landed next to her. We walked in silence for a little longer, and then I just couldn't take it anymore. I reached out and put my hand on her shoulder, pulling her gently to a halt on the path.

"All right," I said, my hand still on her shoulder. "I'll do it."

I watched her closely, and I knew the second it dawned on her what I was talking about. The smile on her face the day I kissed her was nothing compared to the one she laid on me at that moment. I thought for sure her face was going to split wide open. She almost knocked me down when she threw her arms around me and snuggled into my chest.

"Inuyasha," she said, her voice just a little breathless. "I'm so happy you decided."

"Yeah," was about as intelligent as she was going to get from me right then. I think we probably stood there for an hour, just holding each other; and I couldn't seem to shake the goofy smile that had somehow found its way onto my face. At that moment, there wasn't anything in this world that could possibly go wrong. I was going to be with the woman I loved, and she would finally be happy.

Finally, we made arrangements to meet the next day. She would bring the jewel, and I would make my wish. Then we would go before the headman in the village and Kikyo would renounce her standing as priestess so that I could take her as my wife. It was probably the happiest moment of my life. Too bad it wasn't meant to last.

The day I was supposed to make my wish I was in the forest, just killing time until I needed to go meet her. It was a beautiful day; and there wasn't a demon around for miles, I had made damned sure of that. The next thing I know, I hear a twig snap behind me; and, turning, find myself staring down the shaft of an arrow held in the hands of the last person in the world I expected.

There is no feeling in this world like knowing that you have just been betrayed by the one person in your life you thought you could count on. Really, I don't recommend it. It's one of those things that's guaranteed to fuck you up for the rest of your life. I could tell by the look on her face and the arrow that whiz past my face that this time she wasn't going to pull any punches. This time, she was going to kill me.

At first all I could feel was disbelief. There had to be some kind of mistake. She loved me. Why would she want to kill me? Especially after all of this time and all of her missed opportunities. That disbelief turned to a rage so deep and hot as her arrows sped toward me that I haven't ever felt since, not even when I lost myself to the demon; and somewhere at the very bottom of all that rage, my heart and soul _howled_. She had betrayed me, the one person who claimed to love me stood before me now with an arrow leveled at my chest and my death in her eyes. It had to be the worst feeling I've ever had in my life.

Hard on the heels of this was one question. Why? I really didn't like the answers my brain came up with for that one, let me tell ya. The only reason she would do this, the only reason that made any sense to me at all, was that she didn't really love me and she had just been biding her time until I let my guard down. I was just a means to an end, and she had just been using me to get rid of the jewel.

I'm sure you're probably thinking, "Well, okay. That makes sense. But why kill you now and not wait until after you had used the jewel?" Well, that's easy. She'd found someone else to sucker, and she didn't need the dirty hanyou anymore. Everything she'd every said to me, all the time we spent together; it had all just been lies. You have no _idea_ how much that hurt; and in my rage and heartache, I decided that I would do what I had originally set out to do.

It didn't take much to get away from her. I swatted her bow out of her hand and took off toward the village, fully expecting her to follow me. Even as angry as I was, I think somewhere in the back of my mind I had come to the decision that all I wanted was the jewel and to do as much damage as I could, but I had no intention of killing Kikyo. She had betrayed me in the worst way but I still loved her and I couldn't bring myself to do her any harm.

Well, I think you know the rest of the story. I ravaged the village, took the jewel, and got pinned to a tree in an enchanted sleep for fifty fuckin' years. The woman I loved died hating me, and I didn't know why. Time stood still for me, at least until this skinny little girl from a future I couldn't hope to understand came out of an enchanted well, pulled out the arrow that had pierced my heart, and starting healing the wounds my dead lover had left me.

You really have no idea how amazing Kagome is. She's so giving and accepting; and she tries so damned hard to make me happy, even going so far as the help Kikyo out just because she knows that it would hurt me if something happened to Kikyo. What Kagome doesn't realize is that it would hurt me just as much if something happened to _her_. Maybe one day, after all of this is over and I have laid my demons to rest, I'll tell her; but until then, I have some unfinished business to take care of.

I sometimes think about what might have happened if Naraku hadn't killed Kikyo that day, if he hadn't turned us against each other. Miroku once asked me what I would change if I were ever given the chance to go back in time and fix things. I had to think about that long and hard and I finally came to conclusion that really surprised me.

If I had it to do all over again, I honestly don't think I would change a thing. There's too much about my life now that's so much better than it was, and I don't want to screw that up. Well, maybe there is one thing I might change. I would keep my mouth shut and not call out my dead love's name when an evil, nasty witch is trying to bring her back to life. But then, if I hadn't called to Kikyo that day, I never would have learned to appreciate Kagome like I do. I don't know. Maybe it was worth the pain not to miss out on that.

_And now _

_I'm glad I didn't know_

_The way it all would end _

_The way it all would go_

_Our lives _

_Are better left to chance _

_I could have missed the pain_

_But I'd of had to miss _

_The dance_


End file.
